Loving Surrender: A go-to for 2017

My words for 2017 were Loving Surrender

In January this year I completed Christine Arylo’s four-step ‘Visioning your Year’ process. In the first step, Expand, one of the questions is: What do I most need to receive this year? At the time I decided I wanted to use my angel oracle cards to guide me. I got quiet and drew Release and Surrender – time to emotionally let go, release and surrender + trust. Little did I know quite how much I would need this.

Heart Art that was tacked to the wall next to my bed for 2017 as a daily reminder.

The three phrases underneath are from another of Christine’s offerings, her Reflection Ritual at the end of each year. The question for these was: Choose three words that describe how you want to feel as you step into 2017. These also guided my year.

Vibrant Health
Vessel of Love and Compassion
Inspired Action

Reflecting

Now, as I sit here, about to step into 2018, I’m reflecting on just how appropriate Loving Surrender was for 2017. I feel like a dived into surrender and trust from week one, flying over to Australia to see a surgeon about hopefully fixing my fistula. It didn’t work out. Then take two (and three) in April, and I returned home worse off than when I had left.

All of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual struggles around these experiences required me to let go…let go…let go…and trust. It wasn’t easy. So far from it. As you know, from previous posts, there were times I didn’t know how I would make it through to the end of the day. But I believe under it all was this deep sense of trust. Trust in myself and my own wisdom, and also trust in the Divine, the Universe, something bigger than me. The magnificent presence I feel when diving into the ocean or lying under a tree looking up at the clouds.

I had amazingly incredible support and kindness around me, but being a stubborn independent woman this meant another area to practice loving surrender. Surrendering to the love, kindness and care of others, and trying my best to accept it wholeheartedly. Without feeling like I was an inconvenience or a burden. Trying my best not to always push it away and say that I was ‘fine’.

Then there was the decision to go to India. That was very much surrender…let go…trust. I did, and again I had an amazing team with me in person and from afar (here I just have to single out Harlan for his unbelievably incredible support, strength and courage). Was it easy? No. Did I want to turn back some days and give up? Hell yes! Yet again though, there was that deep underlying trust and the knowing that it was the year for loving surrender.

I had no idea when I chose loving surrender

At the beginning of the year I had no idea that I would be here, in our caravan, sitting comfortably on my bum typing this post. All I knew was that vibrant health was something I wanted to feel in 2017 and so I used inspired action and a whole lot of loving surrender to pursue it. I was tired of the daily challenge and struggle of a fistula and I was going to do whatever it took to explore various options.

So here I am. With a story about how deciding what you need for the year ahead is powerful. Having a word or words to guide you is important. I didn’t set a goal like, I will heal my bum this year. Instead I pursued a feeling…that of vibrant health…which meant I experienced this in chunks through the year, even before my bum was healed. And daily I reminded myself to surrender. I would lie down with my arms out and say I surrender, I release…I surrender, I release…I surrender, I release, feeling that letting go and trust sink in.

I am currently in the process of feeling into what my guiding words for 2018 are.

If you choose to do any of the above processes, I know you’ll love them. Please share your insights or word for the year with me! I’d love to celebrate it with you.

So much love xxx

Self-Love is a Path, a Practice and a Choice

Self-love is so many things

When I first came across it, self love had seemed a bit abstract to me. I saw it as something related to my body and about speaking kindly and gently to it, instead of always criticising, downplaying it and being mean. I didn’t realise that self-love is so much more!

Just over a year ago I began a journey training with the Path of Self Love based in California. I didn’t know that was what I was going to do, but when I read the invitation my Inner Wisdom stepped in. She was so clear that my inner mean girls had no choice but to step aside with all their fears and reasons why I shouldn’t. And so, I found myself in a group of 33 brave, beautiful women. Some did one module, and others of us walked the year together with our amazing teacher and mentors. Now here we are, completed and certified to use these simple, yet powerful tools that have been used with women around the world for over a decade.

Certificates for the three modules completed during the year: ‘Transforming self-sabotage + self-bullying into self-love’, ‘Self-love foundations’, and ‘Self-love and relationships’

It turns out self love doesn’t have to be abstract. There are tools you can use to cultivate a deeper self-love, a deeper self worth, that radiates out into every tiny corner of your life. To experience it is joyful. I want to sing it from the rooftops, and tell the world what a difference simple, daily, self loving practices can make.

Self-love is about how you choose to speak to yourself in every waking moment.

It is about growing self awareness and then being honest with yourself. It’s about cultivating self-compassion and forgiveness: saying “Kali, I forgive you, you were doing the best you could in that moment.” It’s about choosing to listen to your Inner Wisdom and releasing the stories you’ve picked up along the way that no longer serve you. Those stories that are sometimes deep inside you that you may not see, yet they’re gospel. And so many of your decisions are based off them. To grow your self awareness you have to check in with your heart, your body and feel what emotions and physical sensations are there. It’s a reconnecting with all of yourself.

Self love is also about self acceptance.

Not just of your body, but also of your personality and way of being, even the bits you don’t necessarily like. It’s also about accepting things you might have done, that still hold shame or guilt or remorse, and then forgiving yourself. Forgive. It’s about loving yourself as you are right now in this very moment – perfectly imperfect – knowing that right now you’re the best version of yourself. You’re doing the best you can, and every day you get to choose to do things differently. Every moment in fact.

Self-love is waking up every morning and choosing you.

Choosing to back yourself and ask yourself what you need in that day, and then giving it to yourself. What do you need emotionally, physically, spiritually and relationally? These don’t have to be big things. Something like a few words of encouragement or five minutes of quiet space might be what you need. This is self care. It’s about becoming your own best friend. It’s about diving deep to find your true heart and soul desires, and then gifting yourself and those around you, by following them. By not selling out to the ‘shoulds’ and societal norms.

Self-love is choosing self pleasure – the things that bring you deep joy and laughter – because when you do those things you fill your cup to bursting and radiate love to more people than you know.

It is in every decision you make to stay in tune with yourself – in mind, body and spirit.

Self-love is a feeling, that as it grows your life becomes richer, gentler and more nourishing. And every day you are privileged to wake up with your best friend, even though physically you may be sleeping alone. It’s the comfort that you’re not alone. It’s a knowing that there are different places to source love, not just from yourself and a handful of others. You can source love from something greater than you, Mother Earth, people you can trust and who see you for what you are, the ocean, animals, children, nature and so much more.

Self-love is releasing self judgement, with a healthy dose of self honesty. It’s about first and foremost learning to trust. Not the voices of the world around you or your inner critics, but the deep voice inside you that’s always been there and always will be. The one you haven’t always thought to listen to but that always has your back no matter what. It’s about trusting that voice, that knowing deep inside and then cultivating the courage to follow it even if others are telling you different stories. This is self-empowerment, taking the reins of your life.

Self love is also about respecting yourself enough to only have loving, respectful relationships in your life, including the one with yourself. It’s about knowing your true worth, so that when others send you love and shine your worth back to you, you’re able to fully receive it. It’s about creating clear, loving boundaries that you honour no matter what.

Love directed at self is not selfish.

Far from it. More love, wherever it’s directed = more love in this world. And that is always a good thing!

It’s not something for people on the fringe. Self-love is not for a select few. It’s for every woman, man and child. It’s not something you choose to do and then perfect, there is no destination. You don’t suddenly wake up one day and 100% love yourself forever.

Self-love is not always easy. But knowing your true worth, what makes you uniquely you, is the greatest gift you can give yourself, your relationships, your community and the world. It’s a path, a daily practice, and it’s a choice you make every morning and in every moment of the day.

You, brave, courageous soul, are over-flowing with love. As Rumi says:

If today you can start by saying a kind, loving phrase to yourself, you are practicing self love. It doesn’t matter where you start, it only matters that you start. See where it takes you…

So much love xxx

PS: If you want to talk to me more about some simple, yet powerful tools that you can use in your own life to cultivate a deeper sense of self love and worth, please get in touch anytime.

Thank you India, and Everything Else

Thank you India

India you light me up from the inside
My soul radiates just thinking about you
To touch your dust with my own two hands
changed me
Being on your land left me
with an explosion of colour inside
vibrant, full and yet so complex.

All these years of journeying
that lead me to this one moment
in my life, intrinsically entwined with you
a red thread connecting me to your land
who would have known it would be this way?
Maybe you in your ancient wisdom.

To stand on the soil of a country so steeped in spirituality
Deeply, anciently, I can feel it in your breathing
This juxtaposition of so much love
ingrained in the earth and in the temples
People with nothing smiling, kind, so open
and then the fighting, in the name of religious ideas
merciless killing and the blood mixing with your red earth

I am forever changed because of you
Because of your people
and everything that you are
I will always feel the pull of that red thread
calling me back, gently yet fiercely
And one day I will heed it and
stand on your soil again.

Thank you for what you are
and for what you are not
and everything in between.
I am blessed to have followed
my journey to you and found
what I was looking for
and more.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you India.

And thank you for my courageous spirit to pursue my vision of a vibrantly healthy body. Thank you to all those who walk with me – both near and far – sharing their strengthening love and support. Some days the gratitude pulses so strongly through my veins it’s like adrenaline – firing through every cell – leaving me in awe of where I am. Of how blessed I am.

This body of mine. So patient and so strong – now so free from pain and able again.

Until pain prevents you from something so ‘small’ as sitting normally, you don’t realise what a luxury it is. Thank you that I can now sit at the dining room table. Sit at my desk, sit and drive a car, sit on a my surfboard out the back. Thank you for the renewed energy in my body to be able to move and explore again. I will never take that for granted.

Thank you for the growth and perspective shifts over these years, and for the vision to do things differently now. That I can live in a way that doesn’t come at a huge cost to my mind and body. Thank you for the moments and thank you for the love! Thank you, and thank you again!

For so long I thought I had to do it alone.

I thought I had to fix my fistula without anyone’s help. But it’s not true. I walked the journey I needed to walk. Somehow I made it, even though there were days when I thought I would give up forever and call it a day. I didn’t think I could go on. I didn’t think that I could do one more day of that robbing pain that consumed me like fire. And yet a part of me never gave up.

There was a part of me quietly cheering the down-hearted part on – sending soothing words – encouraging phrases that I often could not hear. But another part of me heard. And even though it all felt too much to keep going, I did. That stubborn, determined streak in me refused to have its light snuffed out. And so here I am. Days and days and days in a row without being hindered by a knifing, all-encompassing pain in my bum, and body exhausted from constantly fighting infection. Combatting the emotional drain of the struggle.

It’s so draining. Sometimes its easy to forget how draining pain is. How it spends so much of your body’s energy normally used for day to day functioning. And sometimes I forget how much energy it takes to remain emotionally stable, when for the 200th week in a row I would wake up to cope with fluctuating pain all day…again.

But now a different way. A more gentle compassionate way, with respect and honour for the journey and myself. Thank you for healing. Thank you India. Thank you for perspective, insights and tapping into wisdom.

And thank you for all the earth angels who walk alongside us.

 

Honour my Body: A Work in Progress

Last week I made a decision I wouldn’t have been able to make 6 months or a year ago. I chose to honour my body over everything else. This meant I cancelled a Bee Sensual workshop I had spent time creating and planning. I had even emailed people on my list about it, but suddenly I knew I had to stop and listen to my body.

My inner conversation around the topic went something like this…

Side 1: I have to put myself out there more. I have to grow my following. I have to promote Bee Sensual products and the work I do in the world. If I don’t do it now, I’m just procrastinating and being non-committal and I’ve got to pull myself together.

Side 2: But I’m just so exhausted, physically mentally and emotionally. I’m tired. Can’t I just hide from the world and sleep for months? I just really want to go slowly right now. This is the first Spring in 5 years where my body hasn’t been in pain and so I just want to go gently and enjoy. Can’t I do that instead?

Side 1: I think that’s just being lazy and copping out. What gives you the right to just swan around? Anyway, there are so many creative ideas that need pursuing!

Side 2: But I’m not swanning around, I’m doing things. They’re just other things, like healing, like resting my body, doing what needs to be done to keep businesses going, animals fed, exercised and looked after and I’m prioritising my emotional health. Remember that affects my physical health too! This is the first time I’m really doing this, give me a break!

Nature is one thing that helps me quiet the mental chatter and feel into what my body and Inner Wisdom are actually communicating to me. What helps you?

You get the idea.

I know, it might all sound a little crazy, but surely you’ve had a mental conversation that sounds a little similar? It took me a while to figure out which voice was my Inner Mean Girl and which one was my Inner Wisdom, or whether there was an in-between. The thing is, in the past I have sometimes procrastinated and been non-committal, so it made it trickier to figure it out.

Then I spoke to a friend, and as I spoke it out loud I could feel in my body just how truly tired I am. Just how exhausted I’m feeling, as if this year is finally catching up with me. It’s been a big one! Sometimes it’s easy for me to discount just how much has happened this year: three overseas trips, four surgeries, countless hours and days of emotional ups and downs, and lots of energy towards physical healing. Among other things, it has been traumatic, let’s face it. So maybe, just maybe, my body wants time to process and catch up.

When you listen to your body, she always tells you the truth!

I set a New Moon intention on the 19th of November, to honour my body as sacred and do whatever it is that she wants in terms of movement – walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, swaying or lying down and resting. A few days later this Bee Sensual realisation occurred, and saying no to actually going ahead with it was part of honouring this intention.

Honour my body.
I am sacred.
My body is sacred.

As Harlan often says to me, just because you’re excited to get back up and into the world with all your creative ideas, you won’t be out in the world too long if you burn yourself out again in the process. Great point. Such wise words, but my creative brain struggles with that one. She wants to be busy all the time.

So here I am, listening to my Inner Wisdom. Learning to pause or slow down when I need to. Listening to my wise body and hearing what she needs at this time to feel fully honoured and respected for all she does and has been through. I choose to honour my body, my closest companion and friend for life…I choose to listen to her every day to the best of my ability. That is my commitment to me.

How can you honour your body more in this moment? Today? This week?

India: I am ready

I step off the precipice and fall
for a moment I’m dropping
hurtling towards the hard ground

then I remember I have wings
I open them
they creak
stretch and the blood flows through them
my wings

it’s been a while
let them fly
let me fly
into the big unknown that beckons me
calls to my heart strings

and then there is vastness
openness above me
below me and all around me
I am free to journey

how did I forget my wings?
these beautiful light feathers
for soaring through the air
simply waiting for the words

I am ready.

And so I am. For another exciting chapter on this journey called life. In under two weeks I fly to India. A country that both scares me and intrigues me. A place where the Goddess Kali resides in many places. And I will meet her, even though I may not at first know it. I will feel her presence in the dirt and in the sunsets, in the poverty and in the wealth, in the rivers and in the temples dedicated to her.

I am going to the Fistula Research Centre in a city north of Delhi called Chandigarh. I am going to seek advice and treatment from a world expert in fistulas. There are not many of those around, and to be honest this colorectal surgeon, Dr Pankaj Garg, is the first such person I came across last year after 4 years of trawling the internet at regular intervals. I stumbled across his site about 8 months ago, and back then the idea of going to India with a sore bum and a tummy on the sensitive side scared the living daylights out of me. Australia seemed like a good first option. It did not pan out as expected though, so India came back onto the radar.

It is currently 40 degrees there in the height of summer and in July the monsoons arrive. However, this is the time Harlan can come with me and leave the bees to quietly and cosily winter in their sunny bush sights. Two dear friends are joining us too, and between the four of us there will be adventure.

Where there was fear and trepidation before, there is now excitement, anticipation and a feeling of adventure running through my veins.

You see I realised a few months ago that physical adventuring has been minimal through this healing journey of mine, and that I’m craving it. My soul needs it. It feeds me in ways that nothing else can. When I first got back from Australia I knew that when the pain settled we needed to explore, even if it was in tiny ways, we would do it.

And then one day last month, with the desire of healing my bum, the idea of India was reborn. It started out as a spark with only tiny flashes of light. But it very quickly grew into something more. The flight is 17 hours, which for someone who doesn’t even drive at the moment is very long! It’s hot! Some people experience Delhi Belly….

We all spent the first week almost reluctantly committing. Knowing we desired adventure, and me that and healing. However, as the days have passed, and more links and pictures have been shared between us, there has been a growing excitement and anticipation. What started out as a trip purely for healing my bum, has turned into so much more.

This time thinking about India, underneath the wildness of the idea, I feel a great sense of peace and calm. I am ready. The time is now.

It will be a pilgrimage. Me journeying to far off holy lands. Since I was named Kali, after the Hindu Goddess, I have always known that I will visit India at some point. I just hadn’t planned for it to be so soon. Lucky I’ve never been a big one for plans and so I can flow with the currents and go where I need to go at the time. I am ready. I am ready to adventure on all levels – physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I have opened my wings and my Inner Wisdom is guiding me.

I am ready.

Goddess on the Go: A New Deck for Me

Goddess on the Go cards

Goddess on the Go

A few days ago a small package arrived in the post, and to my excitement it was my Goddess on the Go cards, by Amy Sophia, from Book Depository. I stumbled across them online when exploring another Oracle pack on google images, and when I saw these beautiful, soft watercolour paintings by Melissa Harris, and read that they are the size of a pack of playing cards I read further. I searched some of the affirmations on them and they really appealed to me.

Affirmations

“I am” are two of the most powerful words in our language. Wayne Dyer talked about their power and so have many others before him. Amy Sophia, creator of the Goddess on the Go deck refers to the branch of spirituality connected to the ascended masters in her explanation of the words ‘I am’. One of these masters, Saint Germain uses these words to mean ‘the Divine that resides within me’. Basically this means ‘our soul’, so when we use these two words before the rest of our sentence, we are connecting directly to our souls!

Since I work with affirmations and my own mantras a lot, I decided that these cards might work well as a quick check in with my Inner Wisdom at various points through the day to see what messages she has for me. Although I have a range of other decks, these have not disappointed. So far, each card I’ve drawn has been perfect for that moment. My one this morning was no exception, so I decided to write a little post about these Goddess on the Go cards.

Today’s Card

I drew: I am choosing to see my challenges as my Highest Good.

This was a perfect reminder for me this morning. Things have been a bit rocky in the bottom area since I got back from Australia, and sometimes I get lost in the ‘when will this ever end’ mode. So this affirmation is exactly what I have been actively stretching into for the last few weeks. It’s very easy to fall into victim mode and let my Inner Mean Girl take over: ‘why is this happening to me‘, ‘my bum’s never going to heal‘, ‘no-one knows how to fix it‘ etc. But that gets me no-where fun.

If I take ownership of this situation with my fistula instead, on all levels, then I take my power back. The only thing that I have direct control over in this life, is my reaction to situations, or my thoughts and perceptions around them. So, when I become more conscious of those thoughts and words passing through me, then I feel empowered. And in this space it’s easier to tap into my Inner Wisdom.

For my highest good…

Clearly there are lessons here for me to learn. So, I can either throw a tantrum and dump all my books on the floor and feel like I’m being punished, or I can get curious and see what knowledge there is to be gained. It’s not easy to do, by any means. It takes practice, like many other things in life. However, the more I practice, the less time I spend in that victim, Inner Mean Girl, mode that I can sometimes slide into when the pain doesn’t seem to go away.

Have I stopped going there? Of course not! I’m human. We’re all human. Plus, I’ve only been practicing this for a relatively short while. The difference is that I am more aware of my thought patterns and recognise this place a lot quicker and then make the necessary shifts in my heart and mind to move back into an empowered state.

When I’m in that empowered state I find it much easier to tap into what my Inner Wisdom has to say, and these small, pocket sized cards are my new favourite way to do that throughout the day.

What tools do you carry in your toolbox for shifting you back into an empowered state? Do you use cards? EFT? Singing, dancing, walking? There are so many awesome ways and I’d love to hear yours 🙂

Stay Strong: Self Love Theme for 2017

Stay Strong

Did you know that you don’t have to stay strong in the macho, suck it up way? Strong doesn’t mean you have to self-sacrifice and suck it up. You don’t need to pretend that everything is OK and just keep going and going like a machine. Did you know that you can actually be strong in a more gentle way in your core. By staying true to yourself and trusting yourself. It’s actually OK to receive what you need, to support yourself with all that you do in the world.

What does Stay Strong look like?

Staying strong is the theme for self love in 2017, created by Christine Arylo in all the beautiful work she does in the world, sharing tangible ways in which we can strengthen our self love. So what exactly does stay strong mean?

S – Speak your truth and stay connected

T – Trust yourself

R – Rest and Replenish

O – Own your power and play your part

N – Nourish your heart and soul’s desires

G – Give and Receive

How to use this to strengthen in self love

You can take these six aspects of staying strong and apply them to your own life. What areas are you already strong in? What areas are you learning to be stronger in? You’ll never have them all perfect. This is a path and a process that you get to choose every moment. 

For every one of us, throughout the year, we are going to have things that come up. Things that wobble that strength in our core; some in small ways and some in big ways. It’s called life. But if we can look at this and see where we’re already strong and keep building on that. And then look at where we are learning to be strong and nourish those parts, we develop a deeper strength in our core. 

I’ve created this video to dive into each aspect a little more.

A practice

We all need a daily practice to stay strong in our core. It doesn’t have to be 30 minutes or an hour. A daily practice can be as little as 3 minutes when you wake up in the morning. It can be looking at the poster you have created, reminding you which aspects need to be fed this month. Or it can be looking at each of the S.T.R.O.N.G aspects and checking in with yourself which one you want to focus on for that day. Remember they all work together, so when you focus on one, the others will be there to support it.

When we commit to nourishing these aspects, we strengthen in self love so that we are better able to deal with things that come our way, in gentle, more loving ways.

Your turn

Close your eyes, take a deep breath (breath is so important in checking in with ourselves) and put your hand on your heart or belly. Which of these aspects is strongest for you at the moment? Which one most needs your attention right now? What is one small act that you can write down right now, which will help you to strengthen that today? Maybe it’s I lie down for 5 minutes when I get home. Or it could be I go to the beach to reconnect. Don’t just jot it down and never look at it again. Put these somewhere where you will see them every day. Check in every day and see what needs your attention now.

My experience

For me, right now, the area that I’m strongest in is Trusting Myself. I feel my health journey has really strengthened this for me. Digging deep and listening to my Inner Wisdom on a daily basis. The area for me that needs the most nourishing is Rest & Replenish. This is often the one that I struggle to honour when I’m feeling more energetic or like I’ve got a bunch of things to get done.

So for me, I have jotted down a few ways in which I can feed this:

I take time to stop and read a book.

Lie down for 5 minutes when my body needs a rest.

Go to the beach for a top up.

What are yours?

This post is inspired by Christine Arylo, and her feminine super power salon on February the 13th, which is 75 minutes of diving deep into this topic. 

 

I Can Heal Myself – Can’t I?

Can I heal myself?

I had an epiphany of sorts today! When you hear the words “you have the power to heal yourself“, what does that mean to you? Do you feel empowered or guilty? You don’t have to look far to find those words. When you google, listen to podcasts, join summits, pick up a book, you may come across a variation on that phrase. Maybe they just jump out more at me, because I have often attached guilt to them.

I have usually interpreted those words as: I should be able to heal myself. And if I can’t then there is something inherently wrong with me. I’m doing something wrong. Eating something wrong. Thinking the wrong things. Not meditating enough, or not doing enough yoga. I think this actually says a lot more about my journey with self-blame than anything else. I’m sure there are many people who hear these words and feel inspired!

I digress. I do find them inspiring.

Because I do believe we have the power to heal ourselves in different ways, just not alone. What I realised today is that I sort of interpreted these words to mean we should be able to do it on our own. And when I realised that, it made think about how healing, in my opinion, is never in isolation. We are never the only ones who heal ourselves. There are so many people who are part of our healing journey and play vital roles – some more noticeably than others.

Take for example the blog you stumble across that tells you about clearing your meridians to kick-start you every morning. Or the magazine you pick up in a Dr’s office that has an article on self-love. How about your acupuncturist, your counsellor, or your mother? Then there’s the surgeon you choose because he really honours you in the process and makes space for your opinions. Or your friend who you have coffee with every week, and she helps you get clear on what you’re really feeling.

It may seem like a lonely journey at times.

And you may be one of those people who has interpreted these words as I have before: that you should be able to do it all on your own. However, our input is pivotal in our healing journey. Creating a team around you is vital, and it’s all part of the process. But owning your power in that journey is key. The inspirational books, podcasts, groups and forums that you’re part of, the few people in your life who you can really open up to and trust…you’re not doing it alone. You are doing it with a team that you are case manager of. You get to create that team.

power-to-heal-myselfMaybe I have a new interpretation of “you have the power to heal yourself“. I do actually believe that you have the most power in your healing journey. The power lies with you to listen to your Inner Wisdom/Guidance/Knowing, whatever you want to call it, and then do what feels right. If you keep giving the reigns to your acupuncturist, homeopath, Dr, counsellor, you’re giving away that power. When I listen to everyone else’s opinions and they drown out that voice inside of me that only speaks the loving truth, I’m giving away my power.

When you take the power back, and create a team around you that really supports all aspects of your healing, then I believe all sorts of beautiful shifts are possible.

And yes – I can heal myself.

Listening to my Inner Wisdom

The need for Inner Wisdom

On Monday, the 23rd of January, I had the perfect opportunity to practice tapping into my Inner Wisdom. This is what I’ve been studying since September. Learning tools that I can use with myself and also with others, and now here I was faced with a decision where my Inner Wisdom was key. It was just over a week after my first fistula surgery in Brisbane with Dr Naidu, and my mum (Av) and I had been staying 1 ½ hours north in Noosa with my Aunt and Uncle.

Today we were heading back down to Brisbane to go and see Dr Naidu for a follow up. Av and I had packed up all of our things at Wally and Debbie’s in preparation to fly home in a few days’ time. We didn’t quite know what we were going to do but we planned to leave on Wednesday.

Feeling pretty positive about how things were going we met with Dr Naidu. He looked at my surgery site and he made the call that he wanted to see me for another surgery that Friday. There was too much leaking and he was worried that we needed a bigger seton to help the flow. Unfortunately he was really unwell, so I couldn’t ask all the questions that I wanted to.

Av and I walked out the room in a daze. We headed towards the café, as it was lunchtime and after I rudely shouted at her in front of everyone because she was unsure of her order, we went and sat down at a table.

Lashing out

“Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean that you can be rude to me in front of other people,” she said to me. “I know,” I replied and burst into tears. She wanted to come around from the other side of the table to comfort me, but I put my hand up. I sat looking out the window of the 5th level, looking down at the buses coming and going below me. I wondered what next? I had no idea. Where I had felt so certain that we were going home, I now felt like a boat without any rudder. I felt a mess and completely lost. “I don’t know where to next,” I said.

Av was out of her depth. I had been the one who organised everything on the trip – accommodation, car, flights, toll and so on – so without my guidance and my knowledge of technology Av felt lost. What could I say to her? At the same time I didn’t want her comfort either. I just wanted it all to be over. I couldn’t face more struggle and more decisions about my bum.

We still somehow managed a giggle at the absurdity of it all, in between tears and me morosely staring out the window.

A plan

Av eventually called Wally and Debbie. Wally laughed when she said that she had no idea what we were going to do next, and they insisted that we come back up to Noosa. I felt relieved. At least we had a plan and at least we were going to be in a beautiful home with beautiful distractions again. Right now I could do with some of those.

So without lunch, only a coffee for Av, we headed straight back onto the motorway and back up towards Noosa. It was a long journey. My mind was buzzing and I didn’t know what to do. I had spent hours uncomfortably sitting in a vehicle already and I just wanted to get out and not have to make any decisions! I knew that I was about to have to practice diving deep into my Inner Wisdom. Diving deep and figuring out what my Inner Wisdom knew was the right thing to do. I had an inkling that more surgery wasn’t for me but I had to do some diving and rolling and tumbling with the ideas to make sure that I felt solid in my decision.

It wasn’t going to matter what anyone thought. In this moment, I knew that I had to feel into my body what was right. What did my gut tell me? It wasn’t a small decision either; staring down the barrel of another general anaesthetic and more pain. This wasn’t going to be taken lightly.

Inner Wisdom practice

I was so thankful for the Inner Wisdom preparation I had been doing for the last few months. As self love students, we have had to create a daily practice of checking in with our Inner Wisdom – what she needs and wants to share with us – so that in the moments when we need her we have developed a relationship with her and find it easier to listen. We need to understand the process in order to be able to share it with others.

Now was the moment.

In the evening, on a visit to the wholefoods store I talked to Av about why I had been so thrown. What was it about our surgeon visit that shocked me the most, because really I had already said I wouldn’t be up for more surgery if the option arose. After talking it through and distilling the ideas, I realised it was that what I had had done was supposedly not enough. Bugger that!

By nightfall I knew what I needed to do. I knew my body needed a rest from more pain and I decided to move into a space of trust that what I had had done was enough and that my body could take it from here. The next day I received an email from the hospital confirming the anaesthetist for Friday, and that made me realise I hadn’t let the surgeon know that I wasn’t going ahead.

A decision is reached…

I composed a text message to him:

Dear Dr Naidu, I have decided that my body is not ready for more surgery yet, and I trust that the seton that is in there will do more than not having anything. We will fly home on Friday and I will keep you updated on progress.

A few minutes later he called.

Usually I would have had stomach flips at going against the decision of a surgeon, or fear that I was doing the wrong thing. But this time, only calm. I felt grounded and very certain in my decision. So when I spoke to him I was clear and he was very respectful that I knew my body best. I finished the telephone conversation feeling empowered and very much knowing that I had followed my truth.

I was walking on air when I left the office. What an amazing feeling!

Here I had direct proof that my daily Inner Wisdom practice was paying off!

Would you like to share an example of following your Inner Wisdom? I would so love to hear xx

Postscript: I am back home now and healing is going well – I am flowing as much as I can in trusting my body and its innate healing abilities. 

International Day of Self Love 2017

Self Love 2017

Hi lovely ones!

Today is the 10th International Day of Self Love (founded by Christine Arylo), and I recorded a quick video about this year’s theme – Staying Strong. Not in the macho way, but strong in the sense of staying true to yourself and feeling that strength in your core.

Self love is a topic very close to my heart, because it has been one of the beacon’s of light on my healing journey. And the more I dive into strengthening self love the easier my journey is becoming and I’m reaching a place of real gentleness with myself which is a treat! In the next few days I will be sharing an example of how strengthening my trust in my Inner Wisdom recently served me in an important decision.

All around the world this month people are holding virtual and in-person get togethers – in over 41 countries. I held one last night with an intimate group, but excitingly Christine Arylo is holding one online – simply go to the link Stay Strong and you too can join in!

What self love promise would you like to make to yourself for 2017?