India: I am ready

I step off the precipice and fall
for a moment I’m dropping
hurtling towards the hard ground

then I remember I have wings
I open them
they creak
stretch and the blood flows through them
my wings

it’s been a while
let them fly
let me fly
into the big unknown that beckons me
calls to my heart strings

and then there is vastness
openness above me
below me and all around me
I am free to journey

how did I forget my wings?
these beautiful light feathers
for soaring through the air
simply waiting for the words

I am ready.

And so I am. For another exciting chapter on this journey called life. In under two weeks I fly to India. A country that both scares me and intrigues me. A place where the Goddess Kali resides in many places. And I will meet her, even though I may not at first know it. I will feel her presence in the dirt and in the sunsets, in the poverty and in the wealth, in the rivers and in the temples dedicated to her.

I am going to the Fistula Research Centre in a city north of Delhi called Chandigarh. I am going to seek advice and treatment from a world expert in fistulas. There are not many of those around, and to be honest this colorectal surgeon, Dr Pankaj Garg, is the first such person I came across last year after 4 years of trawling the internet at regular intervals. I stumbled across his site about 8 months ago, and back then the idea of going to India with a sore bum and a tummy on the sensitive side scared the living daylights out of me. Australia seemed like a good first option. It did not pan out as expected though, so India came back onto the radar.

It is currently 40 degrees there in the height of summer and in July the monsoons arrive. However, this is the time Harlan can come with me and leave the bees to quietly and cosily winter in their sunny bush sights. Two dear friends are joining us too, and between the four of us there will be adventure.

Where there was fear and trepidation before, there is now excitement, anticipation and a feeling of adventure running through my veins.

You see I realised a few months ago that physical adventuring has been minimal through this healing journey of mine, and that I’m craving it. My soul needs it. It feeds me in ways that nothing else can. When I first got back from Australia I knew that when the pain settled we needed to explore, even if it was in tiny ways, we would do it.

And then one day last month, with the desire of healing my bum, the idea of India was reborn. It started out as a spark with only tiny flashes of light. But it very quickly grew into something more. The flight is 17 hours, which for someone who doesn’t even drive at the moment is very long! It’s hot! Some people experience Delhi Belly….

We all spent the first week almost reluctantly committing. Knowing we desired adventure, and me that and healing. However, as the days have passed, and more links and pictures have been shared between us, there has been a growing excitement and anticipation. What started out as a trip purely for healing my bum, has turned into so much more.

This time thinking about India, underneath the wildness of the idea, I feel a great sense of peace and calm. I am ready. The time is now.

It will be a pilgrimage. Me journeying to far off holy lands. Since I was named Kali, after the Hindu Goddess, I have always known that I will visit India at some point. I just hadn’t planned for it to be so soon. Lucky I’ve never been a big one for plans and so I can flow with the currents and go where I need to go at the time. I am ready. I am ready to adventure on all levels – physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I have opened my wings and my Inner Wisdom is guiding me.

I am ready.

Goddess on the Go: A New Deck for Me

Goddess on the Go cards

Goddess on the Go

A few days ago a small package arrived in the post, and to my excitement it was my Goddess on the Go cards, by Amy Sophia, from Book Depository. I stumbled across them online when exploring another Oracle pack on google images, and when I saw these beautiful, soft watercolour paintings by Melissa Harris, and read that they are the size of a pack of playing cards I read further. I searched some of the affirmations on them and they really appealed to me.

Affirmations

“I am” are two of the most powerful words in our language. Wayne Dyer talked about their power and so have many others before him. Amy Sophia, creator of the Goddess on the Go deck refers to the branch of spirituality connected to the ascended masters in her explanation of the words ‘I am’. One of these masters, Saint Germain uses these words to mean ‘the Divine that resides within me’. Basically this means ‘our soul’, so when we use these two words before the rest of our sentence, we are connecting directly to our souls!

Since I work with affirmations and my own mantras a lot, I decided that these cards might work well as a quick check in with my Inner Wisdom at various points through the day to see what messages she has for me. Although I have a range of other decks, these have not disappointed. So far, each card I’ve drawn has been perfect for that moment. My one this morning was no exception, so I decided to write a little post about these Goddess on the Go cards.

Today’s Card

I drew: I am choosing to see my challenges as my Highest Good.

This was a perfect reminder for me this morning. Things have been a bit rocky in the bottom area since I got back from Australia, and sometimes I get lost in the ‘when will this ever end’ mode. So this affirmation is exactly what I have been actively stretching into for the last few weeks. It’s very easy to fall into victim mode and let my Inner Mean Girl take over: ‘why is this happening to me‘, ‘my bum’s never going to heal‘, ‘no-one knows how to fix it‘ etc. But that gets me no-where fun.

If I take ownership of this situation with my fistula instead, on all levels, then I take my power back. The only thing that I have direct control over in this life, is my reaction to situations, or my thoughts and perceptions around them. So, when I become more conscious of those thoughts and words passing through me, then I feel empowered. And in this space it’s easier to tap into my Inner Wisdom.

For my highest good…

Clearly there are lessons here for me to learn. So, I can either throw a tantrum and dump all my books on the floor and feel like I’m being punished, or I can get curious and see what knowledge there is to be gained. It’s not easy to do, by any means. It takes practice, like many other things in life. However, the more I practice, the less time I spend in that victim, Inner Mean Girl, mode that I can sometimes slide into when the pain doesn’t seem to go away.

Have I stopped going there? Of course not! I’m human. We’re all human. Plus, I’ve only been practicing this for a relatively short while. The difference is that I am more aware of my thought patterns and recognise this place a lot quicker and then make the necessary shifts in my heart and mind to move back into an empowered state.

When I’m in that empowered state I find it much easier to tap into what my Inner Wisdom has to say, and these small, pocket sized cards are my new favourite way to do that throughout the day.

What tools do you carry in your toolbox for shifting you back into an empowered state? Do you use cards? EFT? Singing, dancing, walking? There are so many awesome ways and I’d love to hear yours 🙂

Stay Strong: Self Love Theme for 2017

Stay Strong

Did you know that you don’t have to stay strong in the macho, suck it up way? Strong doesn’t mean you have to self-sacrifice and suck it up. You don’t need to pretend that everything is OK and just keep going and going like a machine. Did you know that you can actually be strong in a more gentle way in your core. By staying true to yourself and trusting yourself. It’s actually OK to receive what you need, to support yourself with all that you do in the world.

What does Stay Strong look like?

Staying strong is the theme for self love in 2017, created by Christine Arylo in all the beautiful work she does in the world, sharing tangible ways in which we can strengthen our self love. So what exactly does stay strong mean?

S – Speak your truth and stay connected

T – Trust yourself

R – Rest and Replenish

O – Own your power and play your part

N – Nourish your heart and soul’s desires

G – Give and Receive

How to use this to strengthen in self love

You can take these six aspects of staying strong and apply them to your own life. What areas are you already strong in? What areas are you learning to be stronger in? You’ll never have them all perfect. This is a path and a process that you get to choose every moment. 

For every one of us, throughout the year, we are going to have things that come up. Things that wobble that strength in our core; some in small ways and some in big ways. It’s called life. But if we can look at this and see where we’re already strong and keep building on that. And then look at where we are learning to be strong and nourish those parts, we develop a deeper strength in our core. 

I’ve created this video to dive into each aspect a little more.

A practice

We all need a daily practice to stay strong in our core. It doesn’t have to be 30 minutes or an hour. A daily practice can be as little as 3 minutes when you wake up in the morning. It can be looking at the poster you have created, reminding you which aspects need to be fed this month. Or it can be looking at each of the S.T.R.O.N.G aspects and checking in with yourself which one you want to focus on for that day. Remember they all work together, so when you focus on one, the others will be there to support it.

When we commit to nourishing these aspects, we strengthen in self love so that we are better able to deal with things that come our way, in gentle, more loving ways.

Your turn

Close your eyes, take a deep breath (breath is so important in checking in with ourselves) and put your hand on your heart or belly. Which of these aspects is strongest for you at the moment? Which one most needs your attention right now? What is one small act that you can write down right now, which will help you to strengthen that today? Maybe it’s I lie down for 5 minutes when I get home. Or it could be I go to the beach to reconnect. Don’t just jot it down and never look at it again. Put these somewhere where you will see them every day. Check in every day and see what needs your attention now.

My experience

For me, right now, the area that I’m strongest in is Trusting Myself. I feel my health journey has really strengthened this for me. Digging deep and listening to my Inner Wisdom on a daily basis. The area for me that needs the most nourishing is Rest & Replenish. This is often the one that I struggle to honour when I’m feeling more energetic or like I’ve got a bunch of things to get done.

So for me, I have jotted down a few ways in which I can feed this:

I take time to stop and read a book.

Lie down for 5 minutes when my body needs a rest.

Go to the beach for a top up.

What are yours?

This post is inspired by Christine Arylo, and her feminine super power salon on February the 13th, which is 75 minutes of diving deep into this topic. 

 

I had a dream: losing and finding dreams

“I’ve had this dream for so many years,” my mum was saying to me in anguish, “and now at 72 I’ve lost it. And it’s too late. It’s gone. It’s dead. I know it’s not a death, but it’s the death of a dream.”

I had been listening to her and offering different ways of looking at the situation, and different ways of self talk that could help her intense and utter remorse. But for some reason when she mentioned her age in relation to the dream I felt my chest tighten and that uncontrollable sob fill my upper body.

“It doesn’t matter at what age you lose a dream,” I sobbed. “I’m only 32 and I lost my dream 3 years ago. The dream to be young and carefree and beautiful in this world while you still can. Adventuring and spontaneity.”

Then I realised what I was saying. “I know it’s buying into society’s ideas that youth and beauty is fleeting, and to make the most of it, so I know I need to work on all that, but still I lost that dream.”

I stopped and thought about that for a while. “But my point is, it doesn’t matter at what age you lose a dream. A dream is a dream.”

I have worked a lot on remorse around the changes in health that happened in September 2012, so it was interesting to see there was still sadness there. Not surprising really. I very quickly went into observer mode which for me was nice, I didn’t feel like the wallowy tears and sadness around the situation. Especially considering we were talking about my mum.

Before I left I went into my old room and took out my photo albums from the top cupboard to bring home. I flicked through a few briefly, the ones from high school, noticing what I looked like, yet how I believed I looked back then.

The interesting thing is, as I started my drive home I felt a little sensitive. I could feel a slight rawness, yet openness of tears not too far away in my throat. Something had changed. I realised, while looking at the evening light playing with the fresh, vibrant green leaves of spring, and thinking of how lovely I looked as a teenager, that maybe through this health journey I had found a dream I didn’t know I could find.

How long would it have taken me to love myself the way I do now if I hadn’t ‘lost’ the dream of health and youthfulness 3 years ago? This ‘loss’ catapulted me into a place where I worked hard, especially on maintaining sanity. Hours a day of training for something I didn’t know. Every day working my way a little closer to a place within myself where I felt more comfortable…in my own skin…with who I was as a person…with my way in the world. More comfortable with the difference between my journey and my place in other people’s journeys.

And as this realisation gently landed on me on the drive home I felt a wave of intense gripping fizz in my chest, of gratitude. A deep gratitude that makes you breathe deeply and just stop with all the thoughts, just for a moment and realise where you are in this world. Yes I have a sore bum, and yes it does still restrict certain things, and clearly there are still a few tears around that ‘lost’ dream. But oh my, I see myself and the world around me in such a different light now. I can actually feel love for myself and I can see my beauty. Not in a conceited way. In an overflowing loving way that you feel for those close to you.

So yes, a dream was lost, but another one was found that I didn’t even know I was looking for and I can never compare what things may have been like if I hadn’t ‘lost’ that dream.

 

 

Ever still wonder what you want to be when you ‘grow up’?

Do you ever still wonder what you want to be when you grow up?

I love what I’m doing right now, but sometimes I wonder what it is I’m meant to be doing in this world…when I. Grow. Up. In those moments, I remind myself that now is where it’s happening…not when I grow up 😉

I was listening to a mentor of mine speak the other day about struggling to find her place in the world when she was in her early twenties. She wanted to do something unique. She wanted to help others. She wanted to do many amazing things. But didn’t know where to start. Sound familiar?

She was given the following advice. You might like to try this for some streamlined inspiration:

  1. Write an exhaustive list of ALL the things you want to do with your life.
  2. Then start crossing off all the things you’re doing/want to do…
    1. because you think they’ll make you money
    2. because someone told you you should
    3. that will benefit someone else
    4. that don’t feel realistic or true to you
  3. Narrow what’s left down to what makes you feel sparkly and happy inside 🙂
  4. Thank the other ideas, and release them out to the universe, knowing that at any time you can choose to have them back on your list.

Even if what you’re doing right now isn’t on that passionately inspiring list, turn your perspective around so that at least parts of it fill with you with joy. Do what you do. Live in the moment like a carefree kid and notice things…then even if you’re a professional dishwasher you will notice beauty and wonder! You will notice how the water sparkles on a wineglass and creates mini crystals. You will look in wonder at the streaming glaze patterns on a ceramic mug.

Who wants to grow up anyway? Don’t kids have the most fun and understand living in the moment?

when-you-grow-up-recovering-wholeness

Happy, fun, carefree vibes your way!

Love, Kali x