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Listening to my Inner Wisdom

The need for Inner Wisdom

On Monday, the 23rd of January, I had the perfect opportunity to practice tapping into my Inner Wisdom. This is what I’ve been studying since September. Learning tools that I can use with myself and also with others, and now here I was faced with a decision where my Inner Wisdom was key. It was just over a week after my first fistula surgery in Brisbane with Dr Naidu, and my mum (Av) and I had been staying 1 ½ hours north in Noosa with my Aunt and Uncle.

Today we were heading back down to Brisbane to go and see Dr Naidu for a follow up. Av and I had packed up all of our things at Wally and Debbie’s in preparation to fly home in a few days’ time. We didn’t quite know what we were going to do but we planned to leave on Wednesday.

Feeling pretty positive about how things were going we met with Dr Naidu. He looked at my surgery site and he made the call that he wanted to see me for another surgery that Friday. There was too much leaking and he was worried that we needed a bigger seton to help the flow. Unfortunately he was really unwell, so I couldn’t ask all the questions that I wanted to.

Av and I walked out the room in a daze. We headed towards the café, as it was lunchtime and after I rudely shouted at her in front of everyone because she was unsure of her order, we went and sat down at a table.

Lashing out

“Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean that you can be rude to me in front of other people,” she said to me. “I know,” I replied and burst into tears. She wanted to come around from the other side of the table to comfort me, but I put my hand up. I sat looking out the window of the 5th level, looking down at the buses coming and going below me. I wondered what next? I had no idea. Where I had felt so certain that we were going home, I now felt like a boat without any rudder. I felt a mess and completely lost. “I don’t know where to next,” I said.

Av was out of her depth. I had been the one who organised everything on the trip – accommodation, car, flights, toll and so on – so without my guidance and my knowledge of technology Av felt lost. What could I say to her? At the same time I didn’t want her comfort either. I just wanted it all to be over. I couldn’t face more struggle and more decisions about my bum.

We still somehow managed a giggle at the absurdity of it all, in between tears and me morosely staring out the window.

A plan

Av eventually called Wally and Debbie. Wally laughed when she said that she had no idea what we were going to do next, and they insisted that we come back up to Noosa. I felt relieved. At least we had a plan and at least we were going to be in a beautiful home with beautiful distractions again. Right now I could do with some of those.

So without lunch, only a coffee for Av, we headed straight back onto the motorway and back up towards Noosa. It was a long journey. My mind was buzzing and I didn’t know what to do. I had spent hours uncomfortably sitting in a vehicle already and I just wanted to get out and not have to make any decisions! I knew that I was about to have to practice diving deep into my Inner Wisdom. Diving deep and figuring out what my Inner Wisdom knew was the right thing to do. I had an inkling that more surgery wasn’t for me but I had to do some diving and rolling and tumbling with the ideas to make sure that I felt solid in my decision.

It wasn’t going to matter what anyone thought. In this moment, I knew that I had to feel into my body what was right. What did my gut tell me? It wasn’t a small decision either; staring down the barrel of another general anaesthetic and more pain. This wasn’t going to be taken lightly.

Inner Wisdom practice

I was so thankful for the Inner Wisdom preparation I had been doing for the last few months. As self love students, we have had to create a daily practice of checking in with our Inner Wisdom – what she needs and wants to share with us – so that in the moments when we need her we have developed a relationship with her and find it easier to listen. We need to understand the process in order to be able to share it with others.

Now was the moment.

In the evening, on a visit to the wholefoods store I talked to Av about why I had been so thrown. What was it about our surgeon visit that shocked me the most, because really I had already said I wouldn’t be up for more surgery if the option arose. After talking it through and distilling the ideas, I realised it was that what I had had done was supposedly not enough. Bugger that!

By nightfall I knew what I needed to do. I knew my body needed a rest from more pain and I decided to move into a space of trust that what I had had done was enough and that my body could take it from here. The next day I received an email from the hospital confirming the anaesthetist for Friday, and that made me realise I hadn’t let the surgeon know that I wasn’t going ahead.

A decision is reached…

I composed a text message to him:

Dear Dr Naidu, I have decided that my body is not ready for more surgery yet, and I trust that the seton that is in there will do more than not having anything. We will fly home on Friday and I will keep you updated on progress.

A few minutes later he called.

Usually I would have had stomach flips at going against the decision of a surgeon, or fear that I was doing the wrong thing. But this time, only calm. I felt grounded and very certain in my decision. So when I spoke to him I was clear and he was very respectful that I knew my body best. I finished the telephone conversation feeling empowered and very much knowing that I had followed my truth.

I was walking on air when I left the office. What an amazing feeling!

Here I had direct proof that my daily Inner Wisdom practice was paying off!

Would you like to share an example of following your Inner Wisdom? I would so love to hear xx

Postscript: I am back home now and healing is going well – I am flowing as much as I can in trusting my body and its innate healing abilities. 

International Day of Self Love 2017

Self Love 2017

Hi lovely ones!

Today is the 10th International Day of Self Love (founded by Christine Arylo), and I recorded a quick video about this year’s theme – Staying Strong. Not in the macho way, but strong in the sense of staying true to yourself and feeling that strength in your core.

Self love is a topic very close to my heart, because it has been one of the beacon’s of light on my healing journey. And the more I dive into strengthening self love the easier my journey is becoming and I’m reaching a place of real gentleness with myself which is a treat! In the next few days I will be sharing an example of how strengthening my trust in my Inner Wisdom recently served me in an important decision.

All around the world this month people are holding virtual and in-person get togethers – in over 41 countries. I held one last night with an intimate group, but excitingly Christine Arylo is holding one online – simply go to the link Stay Strong and you too can join in!

What self love promise would you like to make to yourself for 2017?

 

So What Next?

Background to ‘what next?’

I’m tapping on my drive home from Friday’s volunteering at our local Natural Health Centre. You see my counsellor has given me the challenge of tapping for an hour a day (in chunks), on anything, and everything to see what shifts happen. Slightly daunting at first, but I’m getting into it.

So, I tap when I talk on the phone, I tap when I talk to those who know that I’m a big tapping fan and won’t think I’ve gone mad, I tap when I drive and I tap when I’m pondering what to do next or procrastinating. I also tap when I’m with a client or friend who would like tapping support, and if I haven’t built up enough time I watch EFT YouTube videos.

It’s been two weeks now and I haven’t done an hour every single day. However, I have done an hour some days, over half an hour on others, only ten on others, but the great thing is that I’ve tapped EVERY DAY. I just need to do it for another two weeks, and according to research, it will be a newly formed habit 🙂

Anyway, today’s insights

I’m staring down the barrel of potentially going to Australia next week to visit a surgeon who has trained, and now trains others, in the VAAFT method. That stands for Visually Assisted Anal Fistula Treatment. For the last four years I have google searched various cures for anal fistulas, but it was only in the last 4 months that I stumbled across this technique – designed in Italy and now used around the world, especially in India.

The reason I didn’t immediately jump on the plane, was because I was waiting for my tummy to return to normal (which it has now). And yes there is also fear holding me back. Fear of failure. Plus, when tapping with my counsellor, we found a few small tendrils of fear…of change…and of the unknown that were useful to address.

So, what next?

so-what-next-change-afootAs I tapped, driving home through the mist, I began thinking about the trip and who I would tell that I was going. Who did I feel safe sharing this with, and what was bothering me about letting others know. I heard some responses like, ‘Wow, so what next?‘ or ‘Wow, so now you can get on with your life!‘ Whether these responses would come to pass or not is irrelevant, but I realised they brought up some annoyance in me. The annoyance that people/’the world’ may presume my life has been on hold, or that I haven’t been living my life in the way I would like.

And to be fair, the annoyance probably comes from the fact that for the first 3 and a half years of this experience with a fistula, my life was often on hold. I wasn’t living my life in the way I dreamed of. I spent a lot of time waiting for this to be over so that I could get on with it…often postponing my happiness. However, the wonderful thing that I realised was that I am now at a place where my life will not drastically change when my fistula is healed! Just in the last 6 to 9 months I’ve stopped putting my life ‘on hold’. I’ve accepted my situation (mostly) and gotten on with the things that are important to me. In the last two months I have even been planning a trip to America next year, something I would never have dreamt about not long ago because of the massive flying/sitting time.

Sure, I’ll have a comfortable bum, I’ll be able to sit normally and not have to sit with my legs underneath me, and I won’t have to hassle with some daily things, details I shall spare you from. And yes, I will be able to travel…in an aeroplane…comfortably…for more than 3 hours! So in that sense things will be very different.

So what next? Will simply be an excited anticipation of what next I am dreaming of on my life path. No longer will it be the insinuation that my life is on hold as it is right now.

But this realisation really heartened me. I realised I am ready for this shift. I am ready to take the leap of faith to at least give this a go. And there is a chance that it may not heal the fistula first time around, but I’m willing to at least try now!

So what next?

I’m opening myself up to the possibilities of change and shift and new chapters…