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Surrender

Today I wanted to write about surrender and my current journey with it. I planned to tell you how in the dictionaries surrender is to stop fighting or resisting, and usually referred to in the sense that you’ve given up and are defeated. If you surrender, you stop fighting or resisting someone and agree that you have been beaten (Collins Dictionary).

surrender to freedomHowever, in terms of our life journey, surrender is anything but defeat. It’s like opening yourself up to the limitless possibilities of unknown freedom. It’s the first part of that definition, but instead of giving up, it’s a letting go. Letting go of control, expectations, the need to know, the need to shape something to what we desire. It’s a letting go of resistance and fighting what is, to simply allow what is. Peace.

Then I was going to use words to show you a snippet of what life’s been like the last couple of months and how I’ve danced my way into an even deeper understanding of surrender. How things have changed so much, yet could look the same.

I realised, though, to do that I need the back-story. The last year really. My relatively new journey with meditation, getting my head around more brain science, committing to embracing the unknown, and so much more. But you know what, that’s part of a book really, not just a quick blog post.

Surrender, day by day

And so, let me rather tell you about my experience with surrender over the past couple of months. It’s different moment to moment and day by day.

Some days it’s looked like getting back into bed after breakfast, fully under the covers and just lying with the emotions that I’m feeling. Sometimes tears, hot down my cheeks, other times a swirling confusion rampaging through my chest. It’s been not fighting their intensity and trying to be positive, but instead letting them fully embody me, so that they can move through me and give me the release of peace on the other side. Half an hour later. Sometimes an hour later. But always so much sooner than I expect when I surrender and stop pushing through.

It’s looked like me lying on the soft white beach sand at 9pm, under the three quarter moon, arms outstretched like a sand angel in a surrender position, feeling my heart expand beyond its reaches in gratitude for what my life is. For the beauty I have access to all around and within me.

Releasing fear, choosing trust

Some moments it’s been the act of releasing the tightness of fear gripping my heart, within minutes of getting off the toilet for the fifth time. Releasing the tumbling, fighting words along the lines of ‘when will this end?’, and instead choosing trust. Standing up, shoulders back and breathing a smile onto my face. Not to by-pass, but to save my body from the chemical stressor of fear. Choosing in the healing power I have within me and within this incredibly wise body when I give her the space to do her thing. Without that fear in the way.

Sometimes it’s been lying down and sleeping, at random times, simply because I can feel that’s what my body is begging for.

It’s also been a knowing that my body needs a break from food and fasting, not out of the past choices sometimes from fear. Instead, choosing fasting out of a deep respect for how our bodies work, and that sometimes rest is all our gut is asking for. A time where it’s not spending energy on digesting but on healing.

Saying no, and yes

Surrender has also been in that space of saying no. Saying no to commitments to others, or to things I thought I should do, or even was really looking forward to. No to things I had booked, but it was best to cancel. Instead choosing to say yes to the commitment I made to myself. The vow I took of honouring this body first and foremost. This home. To do what she needs. My home forever.

And in these spaces and places, I have let go, more than I ever have. I have trusted. More than I ever have, and I am feeling a deeper sense of peace creeping through my being, despite the challenges that my body is experiencing.

Tomorrow surrender will look different, not just once, and I will play with her and see where she takes me. What does surrender look like for you right now?

PS: I found it interesting reading my earlier pieces on fear and surrender, when at that time I was reaching the deepest level of surrender I had yet found. How now surrender feels so different. And how it will feel so different again and again.

Hope – Four Years Ago

This time four years ago I was discharged from Whangarei Hospital to come ‘home’ to celebrate a friend’s 30th who had driven up from Auckland.

After one of my biggest tummy flare’s, due to the most heavy pressure that I put myself under, I developed a peri-anal abscess. My flare had finally been controlled with oral antibiotics and my fissures healed with fresh aloe vera leaves. A few days later though, I became aware of this intense pain in my bottom area. When I stood up, the throbbing was so concentrated I had to lie back down. I had no idea what it was. I began waking up in the middle of the night to take painkillers. Eventually on one particularly bad night nothing helped. At 1am an ambulance came to pick me up.

A tiny hope flickered, that these months of unwellness might be coming to an end…that I could get on with things…

I hated having to give in and go, but the pain was so unbearable I hoped they could take it away. An hour or so later the doctor on call confirmed a peri-anal abscess and I began IV antibiotics. I spent the next day in Kaitaia Hospital (an hour from home), wondering what all this meant. At the time I didn’t have a smart phone, which is probably a good thing, so I wasn’t trawling the internet for all the possible outcomes. That night I was driven to Whangarei Hospital (2 hours away) in an ambulance, with a large strapping teenage boy who had just had his foot run over by a truck. His pain was palpable. I watched the stars rushing past, branches reaching up to meet them, feeling my aloneness expand and grow.

Long story short I got prodded and poked and examined by young male doctors for 6 days in hospital, still while on IV antibiotics, dragging a stand around with me to the bathroom and back. I was so keen not to risk a surgery near my sphincter muscle that I led myself to believe it was starting to feel slightly better. I still couldn’t stand for longer than a few minutes, but I told myself the antibiotics would take it all away. And I’m not sure if I convinced the doctors and surgeons, or if they really had hope it would go away too.

That small hope gave me an out…

My dad drove me back home. While I had been away Harlan had moved some of our stuff out to a friend’s beachfront cottage, where we stayed for 3 weeks while I recovered. A few friends were already there for the birthday weekend and I had a station set up in the lounge on my massage table. That way I could socialise without moving or having gravity work too hard on my bottom.

I’ve always put on a brave face. A protective shield of strength and independence to guide me through my tough times. But here, in this lounge, a little bit of that toughness was stripped away. I could hide so many of the confused painful emotions, but I felt bare and vulnerable and useless. I had to argue with that need inside myself to always be doing something. Preparing dinner, cleaning, helping. I had to try and let go, even just for a little while.

A week later I had to admit to myself that nothing was changing and my dad drove me back down to Whangarei Hospital. I was operated on overnight – the abscess drained. At 12am I emerged from my anesthesia haze begging for more morphine, and finally by the morning I could stop pressing the button for regular hits into my bloodstream. The pain eased, and with it came a trip back to the beach cottage that day. Erin, a district nurse, was booked to visit and attend to dressings.

This was the beginning of the end I told myself. With the abscess drained, I could fully heal and ‘get on with my life’. A little hope bloomed in my belly…

“Do you think I can book my flights for Australia in a few weeks?” I asked Erin about a week after the surgery. It felt like things were healing nicely and a lot of the pain had gone away. I had planned on heading back to the grain silos in South Australia to earn some summer cash.

“Just wait and see,” she replied, “wait for it to get better before you go and do that.”

Wise words. Hopeful words. Imagine if she had known the future.

Imagine if she had said: “No way don’t book those flights, you ain’t going nowhere. You’re going to think this is all healed, and then you’ll realise it’s created a fistula. You know, that condition you’ve read about, but tried to push out of your mind? You won’t be able to sit, standing will be tricky and walking won’t really be any fun for months…kind of almost years really…”

That’s where hope and optimism is a good thing. If someone had actually told me what was in store for me. All the pain and anguish, disappointment and raging emotions I’d have to experience, I would have given up. Right then and there. As we left the beach house and I could feel a bigger pain starting in my bottom again.

But no one did and so I kept hoping. I kept visualising and praying and doing whatever it took to give me moments of courage that this would pass quickly. That life would return to ‘normal’…

And now, here I am four years on, still with a fistula. It turns out I had to learn to get on with my life as it was, not how I wanted it to be. Not how I thought it should be. I had to learn to live it as it was. I had a new normal. An ever-changing normal. These last four years have been a rollercoaster ride of note. I’ve had such highs of goodness and hope, and I’ve had such deep dark lows that I’ve wished the lights would go out.

But through it all, somehow…hope.

I’ve used that sheer determination and strength that used to hide away that vulnerability, to navigate this journey. To keep going, one foot in front of the other. When courage collapses, I pick it back up and shake it around. Sometimes I yell at it and ask it to let me give up. But in the end I need it there to help me grow, journey and transform myself along this exploration of life and self. I want the courage, because what a path we’ve walked!

When I say I’ve had hope, I suppose it’s been more like my bedrock. I haven’t always felt like it’s there, but some part of me must…

Hope, stubbornness and determination have led me to a place of freedom. I may not have freedom to sit and travel the world and do those sorts of things right now. I used to pin a lot on those, but now I look elsewhere. There is now a deep flowing freedom in my soul that I never thought possible. Freedom from so many ties and expectations, criticisms and comparisons that kept a firm noose around my neck all those years. That noose sometimes choking me of the ability to breath in life and enjoy it as it was.

So here’s to hope.

And here’s to freedom. To letting go. Sometimes we go looking for freedom and find it in unexpected places. Other times we hope-letting-gohave a very clear and firm picture of it, only to learn that it looks totally different. It actually feels nothing like we imagined. It’s even bigger and better.

I know hope can bring disappointment. That I know more than anything. But I also know that hope brings with it the ability to carry on and navigate and move, even when you have no idea what’s in front of you.

Right now, in this moment, I honestly think that the most important thing is to hold onto hope, but to let go at the same time. Keep moving forward, but don’t limit yourself with rigid expectations and shoulds.

Let life unfold without you fighting it and constantly reimagining the life that is happening to you in this moment.