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Freedom – what if it’s an inside job?

We keep searching outside of ourselves for this word. Freedom. This feeling we get a taste of and then chase, like it’s a hunt in the wilds of the world.

What if it’s a hunt in the wilds of ourselves?

We go looking in places like relationship – if I leave my husband, or if I leave my wife – then I will feel free again. In the spaces with our children – when the kids go to school, or when the teens finally leave home – then I’ll have my freedom back, then things will be different. Around the corners of our bodies, in the weight of our thighs or the pain in different parts – when I reach this weight, or when I don’t have this pain anymore – then I’ll finally be free.

We keep seeking, souls driven to fixing and trying, ducking and diving, running and drinking, all in this endless search for freedom.

What if freedom is an inside job?

What if the very thing you’re tirelessly chasing is actually inside of you? Under the thoughts of not-good-enough, not perfect, not worthy. Under the words of failure, stupid, have to do better, never good enough. Hiding between the layers of anxiety, fear and busy-ness that wrap around the moments in your day.

What then?

What is freedom?

Where do you go to find the freedom when it’s hiding inside you all along?

Right there in front of you, a solution closer to home, but doesn’t feel as exhilarating as hunting outside yourself. What do you have to show for that? A growing sense of contentment? Who wants that rather than things and change and stories and endless travel? Doesn’t that state freedom more than your mind slowing down and becoming more present?

The voices in your head might become kinder, gentler, but so what – isn’t freedom in the running away, the chasing, the being free of everything?

What if Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose as Janis Joplin once sang. What if it’s the ticket, the golden ticket to a peaceful time with yourself? No matter where you are, or who you’re with. Something you carry inside yourself like a golden key, that no circumstance can rob you of.

What if that’s a different version of freedom we don’t visit as often?

Releasing Fear: EFT in the Bathtub

Feeling the feelings

I feel the disquiet in my being today. I’m unsettled and my mind is scattered and wandering. It’s harder to be present to the way the clouds are changing shape or the deep rich smell of the freesias every time I walk past them on the table. Even though my mind used to be 100 miles an hour, it’s quickly adjusted to the new norm of being quieter and more present. So I notice this disquiet more acutely.

In the bath

eft-bathtub-releasingI think it’s partially exhaustion. Deep exhaustion from a long and tiring health journey. The last two months of working out tummy issues. But as I step into the bath, one beeswax candle to flicker its gentle light on the water, I realise that there’s also fear. Fear and other un-namable uncomfortable feelings sitting in my solar plexus. It’s coming from the fact that I’m finding it hard right now to imagine a ‘me’ with my fistula healed. It’s been over 4 years, and I’m struggling to get the picture of what fully healed feels like. That scares me, and then the fear makes more sense.

I start tapping, letting the fears pour out and dissolve into the bath water. You see I’ve found a surgeon in Brisbane who performs the fairly successful VAAFT on fistulas. I also found a fistula research centre in Northern India where they perform a range of procedures. So I’m facing a decision between a 3 hour flight to Australia, or over 20 hours to a foreign country that people warn against ‘Delhi belly’! And right now, with my strength, energy and physical resilience sitting a little low, I choose Brisbane.

IMGs

releasing-the-fearThe problem is I hear my Inner Mean Girls (IMGs) telling me all the reasons it might not be a good idea. I hear their words streaming at me, so I give them a voice while I tap:

  • It might not work!
  • You might be the 20% who don’t have success.
  • What if you get disappointed?
  • Are you even strong enough right now?
  • At this rate you won’t be going anytime soon!
  • What if you’re making the wrong decision and India is the better option?…

I let my IMGs be heard. And I acknowledge their fears. I know why they’re there – they’re just trying to protect me from the painful feelings of disappointment. Really they have my best interests at heart, but now that I’m feeling more in tune with my Inner Wisdom I let them now they can tone their behaviour down.

Winnie

I call this one Warning Winnie. She started years ago when she didn’t want to see the disappointment that followed me getting my hopes really high, time and time again, on something that might ‘fix me’. So, to protect me from the violently emotional crashes that often followed, she starts her monologue whenever I am thinking of trying something new:

  • Oh you know the chances are slim of that working.
  • Try anyway, no harm I suppose, just keep your expectations low.
  • Remember, you’ve tried so many things, don’t let this one get your hopes up!…

Honestly, for a while, her words really served me. I needed that caution when I was throwing everything at anyone who might offer a ‘cure’. It wasn’t until I slowly figured out more of a balanced perspective, that I didn’t need her constant warnings anymore. Once I realised it was also an inside job, this whole healing journey, and that I didn’t have to keep handing over the power to others, I wasn’t desperately searching for the ‘next thing’.

I remind myself of this in the bath as I tap. That now I check in with my body when I’m faced with a decision and see how it sits before blindly pursuing it.

Finding more quiet

So yes, it is scary. Yes, there is a chance the VAAFT might not work. But in the bath I realise I’m not just going to rush into it because I’m tired of waiting. I would have done that a couple of years ago, but now I know to wait and let things unfold. I’m going to go with what my body is sharing with me. If she’s tired and needing time to go inwards, that’s what we’ll do. When she feels strong and ready to go overseas, when my tummy is back to normal, I’ll start the decision process there. I’ll follow my gut…literally. I can meet with the surgeon and decide then, no big deal I tell myself.

One. Step. At. A. Time. No need to rush (something I’ve always found hard ;)). Easier said than done! But one thing this journey has taught me is more patience.

I close my tapping round withbreathing-deeply-releasing-fear gentle reminders to myself that I will tread slowly and from a place of connection rather than fear:

  • Releasing fear at the deepest cellular level…
  • …all the way back through my past…
  • Releasing fear from my entire system
  • Knowing I can do this!
  • Peace

Then I take a deep breathe and in my mind go to my peaceful place: in the waves, diving under and over them and body surfing in the foam.

I’m ready to climb out the bath feeling lighter and calmer in my solar plexus. The gentle candle-light now catches and holds my attention and thoughts aren’t tripping over each other like they were. So I say: Here’s to following love and trust rather than fear!

 

Ever still wonder what you want to be when you ‘grow up’?

Do you ever still wonder what you want to be when you grow up?

I love what I’m doing right now, but sometimes I wonder what it is I’m meant to be doing in this world…when I. Grow. Up. In those moments, I remind myself that now is where it’s happening…not when I grow up 😉

I was listening to a mentor of mine speak the other day about struggling to find her place in the world when she was in her early twenties. She wanted to do something unique. She wanted to help others. She wanted to do many amazing things. But didn’t know where to start. Sound familiar?

She was given the following advice. You might like to try this for some streamlined inspiration:

  1. Write an exhaustive list of ALL the things you want to do with your life.
  2. Then start crossing off all the things you’re doing/want to do…
    1. because you think they’ll make you money
    2. because someone told you you should
    3. that will benefit someone else
    4. that don’t feel realistic or true to you
  3. Narrow what’s left down to what makes you feel sparkly and happy inside 🙂
  4. Thank the other ideas, and release them out to the universe, knowing that at any time you can choose to have them back on your list.

Even if what you’re doing right now isn’t on that passionately inspiring list, turn your perspective around so that at least parts of it fill with you with joy. Do what you do. Live in the moment like a carefree kid and notice things…then even if you’re a professional dishwasher you will notice beauty and wonder! You will notice how the water sparkles on a wineglass and creates mini crystals. You will look in wonder at the streaming glaze patterns on a ceramic mug.

Who wants to grow up anyway? Don’t kids have the most fun and understand living in the moment?

when-you-grow-up-recovering-wholeness

Happy, fun, carefree vibes your way!

Love, Kali x