…or not to share…
Watching the changing light
the mist slowly takes flight,
my morning’s gratitude.
My energy may be low
still I choose to enjoy the flow,
of nature all around me.
This beauty feeds my soul.
Today I want to play with friends
yet my body won’t pretend,
that she requires slow.
How long for?
I do not know.
So I tango with this unknown,
waltz with surrender,
long dance with letting go,
each day a little closer
to ‘at peace with what is’.
And then I physically dance
my body welcomes the movement,
the music, as I move
in this amphitheatre of nature.
My soul drinks in the nourishment.
and the magic of gratefulness.
The elixir that sustains my days.
I lay in bed, with the French doors open, watching dawn recede, pulling the strands of mist as she disappeared into the growing light. My first noted gratitude for the day. I began watching my breath, breathing in the beauty and the gratefulness. And then I thought this might be a good place to re-enter the sharing of parts of my journey.
For weeks I have wanted to share, but not known how, or where to start. Do I write about the monotony of the rice gruel I eat at every meal, and how when I make vegetables for Harlan I crave the green and the variation, but if I indulge my body is not happy? Do I write about the joy of this rice gruel, because the alternative was fasting for days on end, my body light and swaying without food? How do I balance the reality of the dark cavernous struggle that some moments are, with the silver linings that I seek throughout the days? How do I share the truth of the darkness, while sharing the brilliant light that filters through the cracks? It takes energy to put that into words. Energy I don’t have right now, and so I don’t share.
The lows and the highs
But I also believe that it’s important to share the lows, just as much as it is the highs. I don’t want a picture that isn’t true. That is all light. We live in a universe where there is light and there is dark, and one cannot exist without the other. There is always a shadow, and until we fully embrace it we will be forever running from our wholeness.
How do I describe the lows without gloom, which is how they sometimes feel? Perhaps an essence of that feels acceptable, encapsulated in the larger whole of lessons sifting through, some sticking, some going back to the ocean of life for another time. I don’t see the point of a challenging journey if I’m not regularly seeking the light in the dark. For me that is essential, but to portray it in words evades my intellectual self at this time.
That seeking is often a mind journey, exhausting in itself. Then in those rare, yet growing, moments of surrender to the seeking, my whole being finds peace. To just be, instead of thinking about being. Instead of analysing what I’m learning and how the challenge is shaping me. Rather I choose to feel it and know it in my bones, in every cell of my body. And that is why I dance. To remember that I am in this body that has wisdom so much deeper than my mind can ever find. To embody a knowing my thinking alone can never bring me. To integrate into wholeness in a way that my soul has been yearning forever.
And in all of this, the space of gratitude.
Grateful for so much goodness in my life.
In awe of so many magic moments all around me.